Adrift

My mind runs wildly to and fro,
My thoughts take no apparent flow,
I've lost my way, I do not know
In which direction should I go.

My heart is here, my heart is there,
My soul floats aimlessly somewhere,
If God is here, then tell me where,
I cannot find Him anywhere.

Am I the one who's back is turned, who's eyes and ears are closed? Am I the one running away? Am I the one who's put so many distractions and barriers in between, and put so many things ahead of God? In all the years of Sunday School and sermons and whatnot, the probable answer is yes, because God's never the one who does the ditching. However, that's just knowledge, and knowledge of a spiritual matter is only the tip of the iceberg.

At some times, the feeling of connection to God is fairly strong. At others, it's so weak I might as well be a non-Christian. Sometimes, the lack of Spirit that I display alarms me. Am I actually saved? Follow that with a burst, and injection of God, and then it's back to apathy. An unending, and fairly vicious, cycle.

Worship, fellowship, and service are almost routine-like now. Do I even go with the right motives in mind? Do I even HAVE motives? I probably spend less and less quality time with God, trying to get more time for myself, but the irony of it is that I'd probably have more time for myself if I spend more time with Him.

These are pretty jumbled thoughts and it's taken me a while to sift through them all. Among the thoughts that plague me, the biggest is probably "where do I go from here?" So God is a sovereign God. He has His plans. Where am I in them? I'd like to know!

Chances are, I probably won't get to know, so where do I find my faith? How do I REALLY learn to love God again, with that childlike innocence, with that initial passion? God, I want that searching heart back. I don't actually have it. Those spiritual moments of late, they have been so fleeting, so temporary. It's just enough to keep me from giving up. But I don't want to just hang on by a thread. I want to stand on the Rock.

For now, I remain adrift, waiting for the wind to come, and blow me in the right direction, back to the shore, because I'm powerless without God.

"Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD." ~ Psalm 27:14

So must I wait, so shall I wait.