Forgiveness is so much easier said than done, and a reason for that is because of my memory. For whatever bizarre reason, things I try to forget, I remember; whereas things I try to remember, I forget. This begs the question: if I still remember the incident(s), can I forgive? Further still: is it even possible to truly forget?
"Forgive and forget" is something that is repeated so much that it has, for all intents and purposes, no meaning at all. However, recently, this issue has come to the forefront of my attention, and for good reason. I realized that I remember a lot of things. Very, very old things, which I claim to have completely forgotten about and forgiven, and therefore have no bearing whatsoever on current relationships at all. I was so wrong, and it took some soul-searching with a level-headed and uninvolved friend (at the time of our conversation) to find out.
In a sense, I was half right. I had forgotten the details of the past. But that's just a chip off the old brick. The bulk of the memory, the emotional memory, was still there. I just turned a blind eye. Lied to and fooled myself, and the other person. To take my friend's word for it, I was "hardened." I had no clue, but I was still, in some corner of my heart and soul, mad. Some part of me still wanted to pick up the blame of past and present and just chuck it at this person who had crossed me -- no, who I thought had crossed me -- years ago. By the way, said person is a very important one.
It's actually been over a month since this issue first came into the spotlight. This post has been a work in progress ever since (hence the lack of posts recently). My thoughts are so scattered, and I am so heavily involved that I have had no idea how to arrange the post. To date, I still lack a complete answer to the two main questions. However, I think I have at least a few pieces of the puzzle.
Logically, I should try to answer the second question first, so I will. I don't think that it's possible to truly forget things like this. When the emotional scar comes between people as close as that person and me, even if the details become lost in the sea of time, the thoughts and feelings accompanying it will never, ever get completely washed away. It may be dulled, but it will always be there, somewhere. God may be able to completely blot out our sins with Christ's blood, but that's because he's omnipotent. I am -- we are -- not. Even so, as my friend pointed out, this is not a free pass to dwell on the past. It is not a reason to expect badly of the future. Life was meant to be lived in the present, and problems are to be fixed in the present as well.
God never commanded us to forget wrongs, but He has told us to forgive them, and nothing He tells us to do is impossible. That is why I think that even though I may never be able to forget, there is a glimmer of hope that I can, however slowly, reach the realm of true forgiveness. It won't be easy. I've only taken a few baby steps. I'll be the first to acknowledge that I could move faster, that there are still way too many thoughts that get in the way; but at least I'm pointed in the right direction.
As I've let these thoughts percolate in my head, it has led to a vastly increased appreciation of how great, how awesome, how unfathomably deep God's love for us is. The difficulty I face in my problems with one person, compared to the sin of the entire world and its billions of people. Still He promised never again to flood the world. Still he promised to give the world a way. It cost Him dearly, but He delivered. It is the ultimate example of and inspiration for forgiveness.
All these years, I have "forgotten," but never forgiven. Now I see that maybe it should be exactly the other way around. "Forgive, but never forget" is a quote that is also thrown around. It is a quote that probably deals with problems and has a background that is vastly different from that of mine. However, for now, this is what I will go by. If only for the fact that, as a Christian, I am called to forgive. If only for the fact that it might be impossibly difficult to forget. Perhaps it ought to be "forgive, despite not forgetting." If I can achieve that, I believe I will have mastered the highest level of human forgiveness.
As to "forgive and forget" -- flawed, but sufficient for the small things in life.
